Ever! Real communication is a sign of interest in each other. Avoid in-depth conversation at all costs or you may wind up sharing your innermost thoughts, or finding out theirs. Instead, limit your exchanges to what the kids did today or why you hate your job. If you get annoyed by something they do or say, turn on the silent treatment without saying why. Wait for them to read your mind and apologize. This little trick can keep your house quiet for days at a time!
2 - Put the romance on auto-pilot.
Having no one in the driver's seat isn't just for Uber. Make kisses perfunctory. And no more tickling and giggling and joking around. You're mature adults now. Stop sending flowers or cooking their favorite foods… just because. Limit gifts to socially sanctioned events like Valentine's Day and your anniversary. And stop saying "I love you" first.
3 - Make sex a distant memory.
Dr. Oz says a normal amount of sex for a married couple is twice a month. Take that "fact" seriously. Develop a sexual routine and never deviate from it. "The kids might hear us" is a great excuse to put lovemaking off. Encourage your spouse to avoid intimacy themselves by being rote and mechanical in your affections. That way you can blame them if you decide to pursue a new love interest.
4 - Be too tired.
For anything. Too tired to wait up for them. Too tired to put down your iPhone and greet them when they come in the door. Too tired to help them. If your current schedule isn't overloaded enough to excuse you from having a real relationship, add on appointments, hobbies, ministries, errands and family responsibilities until you can legitimately claim exhaustion.
5 - Be impossible to please.
Make it clear that all tasks are to be done to your personal standards. Get exasperated and take over when it's not. Be openly disappointed with gestures of love, and unhappy with anything and everything. In no time your spouse (and the children, too) will shut down and stop trying to make you happy.
Of course, if you're crazy enough to want a long and lasting life of delightfully godly love with your spouse, it's advised that you avoid each and every one of these tips. Just sayin'…